Budget Boost for Rural Tourism

Artist Impression of New Muswellbrook
Tourist Information Centre

The good news in the Federal Budget to be released on Tuesday is the huge boost it will give to tourism in rural areas.

Each town in Australia with a minimum population of 100 people and a maximum population of  20,000 people will be allocated an amount of $9 million dollars so that they can build a new Tourist Information Centre.

These will be built in the centre of each town and will reflect the unique characteristics of the town. For example, Muswellbrooks new Tourist Information Centre will be a six storey structure in the shape of a large lump of black coal. Scones new Tourist Information Centre will be a 5 storey building in the shape of a freshly cooked scone, with LED illuminated fibreglass jam and cream embellishments.

Mr Rob Pullover, the Federal Minister for Economic Development, Growth and Distortion stated "This new funding initiative will be a boost for the nations economic development by increasing employment in rural areas of Australia that presently have a shortfall of job opportunities. When the Tourist Information Centres are built the financial viability of these rural towns will be boosted by the influx of national and international tourists. They will stop at these Tourist Information Centres and buy meat pies Australian souvenirs made in China".

The Honourable Mr Trump Turncow, the Federal Minister for Trade, Tourism, Fun and Investment said "This is what rural Australia has been waiting for. The economic benefits will raise the profile of each rural town that is presently just sitting there taking up valuable agricultural land."

Mr Bud Green, the Second Vice President Twice Removed of the International Rural Tourism Society stated "Community rural tourism enhances the value of the tourism experience for the host, window washer and the tourist. These thousands of new Tourist Information Centres will foster the sociocultural aspect of rural tourism. The tourist becomes more engaged in the community and their culture. Some might even marry."

Funding will be released in two stages. The first funding round of $4 million for each town will be used for consultancy reports, feasibility studies, environmental impact statements and ovesease fact finding missions. This stage will be fast tracked and be completed for each town in only 7 years.

The second funding round of $5 million for each town will be used for the actual construction of each Tourist Information Centre. Each of these will be built in just 6 weeks using the skill of local farmers. These would otherwise just be sitting in their farmhouses watching TV because of the lack of work to do on the farms due to the drought.

It will be the responsibility of each Local Council to fund the day-to-day running of the Tourist Information Centres once they are built. To foster employment, a minimum of 10 staff will be on duty at any one time. For gender and sexuality equity, 50% will be male, 50% female, 50% bi, 50% senior citizen, and 50% red headed. The local Mayors of each town will actively support their Tourist Information Centre by replacing each staff person whilst they are having their meal breaks.

Artist Impression of New 

Scone Tourist Information Centre

Inspired by the passion of the Keep Sydney Open Party, each Tourist Information centre will be open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. This will enable tourists to access tourist information both day and night. To be eco-friendly, and at the insistence of the Australian Greens Party, the carpets in each Tourist Information Centre will be green. This will also have the advantage of people who spill their cup of green tea on the carpet not suffering from embarrassment.

Each new Tourist Information Centre built with the generous budget funding will create a platform for positive change by positioning each rural town as a great place to live, gamble, work, play, procreate and invest. They will be the vehicle to foster economic, cultural, social and height growth, through the achievement of tourism development imperatives and sudokus, while minimizing negative social, cultural, environmental and pimple squeezing impacts.